It's a credit card!

Today I did some shopping at a women's clothing store. While there, I saw a retarded man who mentioned that he was shopping for his girlfriend. Which sounds like a joke, but actually, it seemed that he really was as she was there with him. He was dressed in a huge yellow jacket and had thick glasses. The three store staff seemed non-plussed by him.

His name was Douglas which he said over and over. "I AM Douglas!" As if there were some dispute, perhaps internal.

He asked what kinds of payment they took and I overheard one of them offer to set up an account for him (!) which I thought was a little weird. They asked him a bunch of questions and he gave them his social security number, which was written in a notebook with a palm tree on the cover, and address and phone number and after a few minutes they told him he was approved.

"For WHAT?" he asked the cashier. He had lost interest.

"You have an account with us now. It's a credit card." she told him, nodding like it was a big deal.

He then turned around and walked through the store, pulling things off the racks and handing them to his lucky lady. He kept saying, "it's a CREDIT CARD!!" really loud and his girlfriend, happy about this news, started trying the stuff on.

I was observing all this from the bras and underwear section and unfortunately, he came over and started pulling panties off the table and holding them up.

"I'm buying underwear for my GIRLFRIEND. For St. Valentines day." He told me.

I said, "I'm sure she'll like that." Looking closely at a bra, trying not to welcome a conversation.

I heard him make a weird noise so I turned and glancing at him out of the corner of my eye, I saw him rubbing a paid of underwear on his crotch. His eyes were closed and he was moaning softly. Horrified, I wasn't sure if I should say something to him like, "Knock that off, Douglas!" or report it to the store staff. I chose the latter.

"Uhm...it looks like, uh, Douglas, over there is masturbating with a pair of underwear." I laughed uncomfortably. I raised an eyebrow and clenched my teeth in his direction.

The cashier looked at me, also horrified, "Are you shitting me?" she asked.

After a brief conference between the three of them, deciding what to do, the oldest and most experienced (with masturbating retarded adults?) approached him. Politely, she interrupted him and asked him to leave, which went better than I would have thought. He stopped.

"You'll have to go. You can't shop here today."

'Today?' I thought. She must not be working tomorrow.

He seemed to understand the gravity of the situation, but appeared unembarassed and set the underwear down and left. Without his girlfriend. She was in the changing room, and since its walls didn't go up to the ceiling, I assume she heard the whole thing, my report and the subsequent banishment. I wondered how long she would stay in there.

I couldn't help but think of Douglas as I drove home. I wonder if he's going to get that credit card in the mail and try to use it to buy gas or Burger King or something. "It's a CREDIT CARD!"

Joel Stein and me -- no yellow magnets for our cars

Joel's article for the LA Times has created some waves...

My aunt sent me the article and this is my response to her.

Thanks for including me on the "short list" for the Joel Stein article. I agree with his sentiment wholeheartedly. Especially the part about bringing them home and taking care of them. It's not something that you usually see in any mainstream media source. Not being familiar with his writing, I don't know his usual tone, but I figure that he wrote it in the tone he did to be purposely incendiary. Get people talking, make a wave...it seems to have worked. I read several progressive news websites and they all mentioned it. The biggest trouble with that approach is that you won't bring anyone to the middle to agree on anything...your supporters will say, fuck yeah! and your detractors will say, fuck you! and the conversation is over.

I have long said that I don't "Support the Troops". Not only because I do not believe in military answers to our troubles but also in that they chose a job that in my perfect world, no one would sign up for. I have a thought that with a draft, we would have a much more equal pool of Americans (not so many poor minorities) signed up, and thus reduce support for any conflict unless absolutely necessary...

Italian weirdness

I'm looking for crazy/weird/strange things to go and see while we're inItaly.

1) Giant knitted rabbit on a mountaintop -- I mean, come on!
How can we not go see it???

2) That's pretty much it, I mean, really, can we top that?

no themes

Here's the conversation between me and the caterer that I was interviewing today for our wedding: I shit you not.

Caterer: "Ooooh a circus band -- neat!"

Me: "Yeah -- they are really amazing. We've been fans for years. They're called The Circus Contraption."

Caterer: "Well, what do you think about a circus theme...a friend of ours did a hot dog and cotton candy and popcorn thing..."

Me: "No...we're not really into any theme...Just a party. We don't want to base everything on the band."

Caterer: "Well sometimes it helps to have a theme to center all the elements of the party around."

Me: "Yeah, I understand, but no. We're just looking for great food and fun and this band is a part of that."

Caterer: "OK...Well that's fine. No matter. We can come up with something great...Nice and simple and elegant."

Me: "Great!"

Caterer: "But if you can think of a central idea that everything can be based around, so it will all go together, that would be helpful."

Me: "You mean...uhm...wouldn't that be called a theme?"

I am so not hiring her.

Crazy year...

Christmas 2004 -- Jon has a severe neck muscle spasm. Firemen come to our house and make sarcastic comments about our tiny tree. We spend 7 freeking hours in the emergency room. On Christmas. Jon's fine now.

April 2005-- my 13 year old, cat and friend Alastyr experiences liver failure and we put him to sleep. Fare thee well stout traveler.

May 2005-- we go to New Mexico and Arizona and put 1000 miles on the rental car.

July 2005 -- we build a patio in our backyard. We are now owners of a grill.

July 2005 - another trip to the emergency room and we decide to get married. My mom is thrilled. I dye my hair bright red.

August 2005 -- I officiate at my friend Deirdre's wedding.

November 2005 -- my family spends Thanksgiving all together for the first time since my grandma died. It was amazing and I think for the first time in many many years, I actually felt very thankful on thanksgiving...I was aware of my family and what an amazing group of people they are and how much I love them.

That bring us to now. Lets try this again.